Parenting Alone

I ummed and Ahhhed about posting this photo because it was such an emotional, exhausting moment between us that I truly wasn’t sure if I should share it but decided it needs to be spoken about.

Last year on December 18th I received a phone call that would change our lives, my baby’s father had died by suicide and nothing has been the same since. Amarlie Briallen and Her daddy Jay we’re not only daddy and his little girl, they were best mates.

She looked at him with pure love in her eyes, they spent every waking moment together when he was at home. He was her hero and she was his little princess. His first and only daughter, the true love of his life.

It’s been so fucking hard, We have dealt with the sorrow, loss and a constant feeling of confusion for 8 months and although we know he is never coming back this beautiful and innocent little soul still has days where she cries for her daddy until she finally cries herself to sleep.

I hate those fucked up days 💔

We spend hours looking at the same photos, watching the same videos and telling the same stories about her daddy and how he is now a star. …Sometimes She begs me to be a star too so she can be with him in the sky and my heart aches for her as I have to tell her it’s just not her time to be a star.

She asks often ‘Mummy can I get sick so she can stay by daddy?

There’s times I feel defeated and so broken and then there are times I just get angry and frustrated, how could anyone leave their baby because THEIR life felt hard.

What about OUR lives?

What about her life?!

Watching your babies heart break every time you have to tell her she can’t see the first love of her life, the man who promised to keep her safe and protect her from the monsters under the bed is enough to nearly break me….it’s enough to break anyone.

It feels so unfair that we are left here to deal with the aftermath.

I have lost three men in my life to suicide, three men I loved and miss dearly and I know in my heart that When someone takes their life they are doing so out of desperation, absolute despair and truly seeing no way out other than death. They believe with every fibre of their being that everyone else’s life be ‘easier’ if they’re gone but they are so wrong, it’s not easier, it’s never fucking easier and it’s not getting easier with time.

Suicide leaves the rest of us here to pick up the tiny, razor sharp pieces of our shattered lives with our bare hands. It’s a long, tedious and painful process with absolutely no ending in sight……please I beg of you, if you feel like you can no longer go on, ask for help because suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem x