It’s ok not to be ok.

For those of you who don’t know me and my story let me catch you up a little.

I’m Christielee, A single mother of 4 girls from 4 – 14 (all born on 4’s eerily enough) and I am not always ok.

I am a child sex abuse survivor.

I am an attempted rape survivor.

I am a DV survivor.

I have bipolar disorder.

I have struggled with addictions from a very young age.

I have attempted suicide and thought about it more times than I can remember.

And I am a suicide loss survivor…

Nearly 3 years ago I got a text message from my best friend and soul mates sister, I didn’t even open the message and I knew he was gone. I rang her and all I asked was ‘is he dead?

He died by suicide the night before and a piece of my soul left with him, I’ve never recovered and I do not think I ever will.

The year before my ex brother-in-law had also died by suicide and I couldn’t understand how such a young, hilarious and loved man could feel so desperate that suicide was the only option.

When Adam died I wanted to die as well. I considered it in my sleep deprived and delirious state, I hated those thoughts because of my beautiful girls but the pain was just unbearable some days.

Adam was as his namesake suggests, fucking FABULOUS! He was the most beautiful human you ever had the privilege of knowing but as we all do he had his demons, some of ours are worse than others and it breaks me to admit I introduced him to a seedy underworld that swallowed him up and spat him out a shell of who he once was.

After his death I was a fucking mess, I was deeply depressed and that led to a relationship breakdown with my daughters father Jay.

Jay and I had been having issues but he was from a part of South Africa that had seen a lot of gang violence and during the apartheid he had seen multiple murders and violence, he had experienced death so often that he couldn’t understand my depression or my grief, he tried to but he was at a loss on how to support me, we separated for nearly a year.

We tried to make it work again and we’re together for a year or so but after an incident that occurred I decided that I was no longer going to continue this cycle and ended the relationship for good.

That was in February 2017, in that time I struggled to pay the rent and support 4 children on my own and had to give up my home. Myself and my 4 girls moved to my mums converted garage to save to get a cheaper place. Jay hated that we had lost everything and blamed himself, he told me many times we would be better off without him but appeared to be getting himself back on track.

He had a great job, a beautiful bike, a nice little home and lived with beautiful people, he got super fit and seemed happier than I’d seen him in years. On December 18 I received a phone call from his mum in South Africa telling me he had died by suicide.

I thought it was a nightmare, a dream I couldn’t shake myself awake from until the police arrived moments later, I was hysterical trying to get into my car to drive to his place a few streets away and see if this was real. The police talked for what felt so long but I heard nothing, I remember asking ‘so he really is dead? And my mum holding me up in the street as the officers told me he had been dead for hours when he was found.

My poor little girl is never going to see her daddy again. Her big brothers, his sons are going to grow up without their daddy.

Some days Amarlie Briallen cries uncontrollably for him, she tells me she wishes she could get sick and die and be a star like her daddy.

Other days she forgets and ask me to call him and other days asks me to make her a big ladder to get her to he sky at night. We can be driving along and all of a sudden she will just say ‘my daddy’s dead now my mumma and he is a star’ and my heart is shattered all over again and I am reminded how I am raising these girls Alone

There are many nights we said goodnight to her daddy and she wished on a Star that her daddy could come back to her💔

I know how hard it is to read stories like this, it is hard to imagine anyone leaving their child, it’s hard because there is still such a stigma attached to suicide and mental illness.

It’s hard because you probably know someone who has been affected by mental health or you have lost someone to suicide because it is still Australia’s leading cause of death in people aged 15-44 years old but I need to tell this story.

I need you to read and hear this story because that same stigma still attached to mental health and suicide is preventing us from asking for help every day instead of just on R U OK day. It is an epidemic that no longer needs to remain unspoken.

We need to be kind, to raise each other up and support each other.

We MUST talk to someone, ANYONE when we are feeling like there are no other options for us because there are options, there always is. I don’t want anyone else being another silent statistic.

No matter how small you think your problems are compared to the next persons they are what affects YOU and you are allowed to feel overwhelmed and sad and depressed but please know that there is absolutely no fucking shame in admitting them and asking for help.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, please don’t let my baby’s story become your loved ones story.

(If you are worried someone might be suicidal contact Lifeline for crisis support on 13 11 14

If life is in danger, call 000.)