Trigger warning, suicide mentioned*
I met you at 18, you were dating my roommate and I asked you why you were dating a girl?!
You responded that you liked her and I laughed and told you I was pretty sure you didn’t like ANY girls.
You were FABULOUS!
A week later you called me and told me you thought you may be gay….
From that day forward we never left each other’s sides or hearts….or homes! You’d walk in unannounced at whatever time day or night and give me one of your bones crushing hugs, crawl
Into bed and we’d talk for hours until we passed out..
Some days I think of what you and your families life would Of been like if I hadn’t met you, maybe you’d still be here with them living a life full of love and sobriety, I regret dragging you into my seedy world but in my heart I know we were meant to be together all those years.
Adam my one true soul mate when you died a part of my soul died too…
This will be the 4th year I haven’t been with you to celebrate your birthday, you’d be 36 today.
You died by suicide 4 years ago and life has never been the same, It will NEVER be the same.
People told me that it gets easier with time but that’s bullshit, it’s never easier it just becomes something ive learnt to live with but my heart never stops aching and every special day and every little trigger memory takes me back to that day i found out you had left this world without me and the pain is all too real and raw once again.
We were completely and utterly mad, We were always in so much trouble together and even now after you’ve left this place
I always seem to get in so much more trouble with my Mouth around your birthday….I know you’d be watching and laughing at my train wreck of a life like a bad C grade movie with your skittles and gummy bears telling me it’ll be all
Good soon babe. I can feel your head resting on my shoulder some nights.
I had so many favourite things I loved about you one of them being that You were such a fucking fighter!
You fought for for rights to live without fear or judgement, you fought your addictions, you fought for love even when the person didn’t deserve you, You fought for equality, you fought for your family and friends and you fought for me!
You had this amazing larger than life presence that commanded everyones attention so much so that we had no choice but to notice you when you entered a room. You were so tall and ridiculously handsome and genuinely the funniest fucker I knew, everyone noticed you and was instantly drawn to you.
You were so giving and so generous and loved with every inch of your being and people loved that about you, your laugh was booming and contagious and you made everyone else feel happy all
the time, you made it your mission to make others happy and you succeeded.
You always made me happy babe, always. Even when I was angry at the world you instinctively knew how to make me see the positive in things, even when you couldn’t find the positive in your own life you still enlightened me.
Being the life of the party all the time, always putting on a brave face and wearing a huge smile when your struggling with your inner demons though was fucking exhausting on your soul, constantly fighting for what you loved and believed in was hard on your mind and it eventually weighed too much for your broad shoulders to carry, the weight of the world is too much for anyone to hold even those that are larger than life.
The end result of that facade and another asshole taking advantage of you was fucking tragic for everyone babe, an absolute tragedy….
Ads you were and will always be the Jack to my Karen.
The Russian immigrant to my stripper pole.
The fat kid to my cake.
The Catherine to my Tate.
The ‘idn’t it’ to my though.
You are the skittles to my fucking rainbow.
The vodka to my red bull…
We were crazy together, a glorious, crazy, messy, puzzle that just fit. We done some really stupid shit but we just loved one another so fiercely.
You were the one man in my life who put no conditions on your love for me.
You were perfectly imperfect and wonderfully flawed and you changed my life…..
Happy birthday my beautiful Ad’s fabulous we Know you are up there telling The big guy to cut his damn hair because it was so 2019 years ago!
I love you and I miss you so much, your goddaughters love and miss you. Everyone love and misses you so much and We will drink for you tonight and we will laugh at funny memories and tell our stories because you are such a force in this universe still and always will be….
Me and you against the straight world babes 💖💖💖
3 thoughts on “An open letter to my soul mate, happy heavenly birthday Adam Fabulous…”
Wow. This is deeply touching. I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are doing beautiful thing by working to raise awesomeness about suicide prevention.
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I am so sorry. I meant awareness.
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Lol Unfortunate autocorrect! knew what you meant lovely and thank you so much I appreciate that so much xx